Really Listening
True confession. When I was young, I often didn’t listen well. I would spend much of my listening time thinking about what I was going to say in response to the person who was sharing with me, rather than intently listening to them.
I was more concerned about my thoughts than theirs.
One of the greatest compliments we can give others is to fully listen to what is on their mind. We honor and respect people when we listen to them with intentionality.
Steven Covey, in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, describes Habit 5 as “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” These are sound words of advice for our most valued interpersonal and professional relationships. People open-up to and respect those who truly take the time to understand what they are sharing and their perspective.
Here’s an organizational listening test for you. Are the leaders of your organization known for how you listen, how you respectfully hear disagreements and challenges to your thoughts? If you want to truly leverage the collective genius of your organization, it starts with leadership, and with intentional listening.
Self-deprecating leaders who listen well enough to realize that their ideas are not always the best will serve their organizations well.
In parenting and in marriage, listening is so important. I can’t tell you the number of times my wife Kathi would tell me “I just need you to listen to me”. She didn’t want my advice or my attempt to fix what was going on. She just wanted a listening ear. Empathy. Thankfully, I’ve gotten much better at this with age.
Here are some practical ways we can become better listeners:
- Look people in their eyes when they are talking to you.
- Try to summarize in your mind what is being shared with you and conclude this mental exercise before responding.
- Silence in a conversation is not a bad thing. Give space for reflection in your conversations.
- Avoid interrupting the person talking. This was one of my worst offenses when I was much younger. It was as if I was too impatient to share my thoughts to extend the courtesy of listening fully to what was being shared with me.
- Think about how you would want to be treated if you were sharing what is being communicated with you.
- Think about the “why” behind what is being shared with you. How did this person come to their position.
Are you seeking first to understand, before being understood?
